"Health minister calls for miracles to be made weaker to protect middle-class"

From The Gospel according to Daily Mail, Chapter 2, verses 1-11:

On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone, Jesus' mother said to him, "They have no more wine."

"Woman, wine should be watered down to preserve the health of middle-class drinkers. Why do you involve me?" Jesus replied. "The minimum strength of 'still wine' should be reduced by law from 8.5 per cent alcohol-by-volume to 4.5 per cent – about a third as strong as today's typical table wines. My hour has not yet come."

His mother said to the servants, "Do whatever he tells you. The market for low- or reduced- alcohol wines has been 'increasing rapidly' in recent years."

Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for allowing producers to make weaker wine which would be in the 'long-term interest' of the public, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons.

Amid concern over rises in liver disease and cancers linked to alcohol consumption, Jesus said to the servants, "Fill the jars with water"; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, "Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet."

They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said:

"NHS figures show that professionals are almost twice as likely to drink heavily than those on lower incomes. Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; by bringing out water we are showing our guests the true compassion of The Almighty who commands us to protect them from long term harm."

What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed that small, regular amounts of wine – viewed by many middle-class drinkers as a reward after a hard day of work or looking after children – can cause long-term problems, including liver damage and even cancer.

And his disciples believed in him.